


two player edition

by ardett



Series: lose lose [2]
Category: Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Crying, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Isolation, Quarantine, Reunions, Self-Esteem Issues, Shame, Touch-Starved, Unus Annus, you don't have to read the first one to understand this one, you know lots of the same tags as my other fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-03
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:22:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,192
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23987437
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ardett/pseuds/ardett
Summary: Mark and Ethan reunite but things don’t go exactly as planned.
Relationships: Mark Fischbach & Ethan Nestor, Mark Fischbach/Ethan Nestor
Series: lose lose [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1728934
Comments: 23
Kudos: 303





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [aztecwarfareandcrumping](https://archiveofourown.org/users/aztecwarfareandcrumping/gifts).



> thanks to aztecwarfareandcrumping for suggesting a reunion fic!
> 
> this didn't really turn out the way I planned. quarantine can be real rough, guys. I think Ethan is probably ooc but this is some of my thoughts and where I am right now.
> 
> also noticed a big uptick in fics about depression in this tag since quarantine started, hope everyone's doing alright out there

194:00:00:00

They’ve just finished recording another batch of videos when Mark says, “Hey, I wanna ask you something.”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“What do you think about coming over?”

“What?” Ethan’s heart seizes. “You mean, when this is all over? That’s the plan, right?”

“I know what our plan was but we’ve been isolating, you’ve been isolating and… Look, we have no idea how long this is going to be. The vaccine could be a year away and now they’re saying you might not be okay with the antibodies. I’ve been talking with Amy and we decided that it would be okay if you came over, as long as we’re all being safe and not putting anyone else at risk.”

“But—”

“We only have so much time left. And— Oh, sorry did I cut you off?” 

Those two things are the tipping point for Ethan. The quality of video calls makes communication so much harder, delays and pixelated images and the anxiety of constantly watching himself in the corner of the screen to make sure he looks okay. And Mark’s right.

There’s only so much time they have left for the channel and they’re never going to do it again. Ethan can’t help but feel that when the channel ends, they’re going to lose something else. They’ll keep being friends, of course, but there’s a different kind of bond that comes from seeing someone so often, that comes from depending on each other, that comes from creating something together. 

This is the closest he’s ever felt to Mark. Even when he had moved to LA and they were doing videos together fairly often, even when they were on tour, it wasn’t the same. They weren’t equals, really. Ethan was working for Mark and he was so much younger then. It feels like he was, anyway. On the tour, he was acutely aware of the years of friendship Mark shared with the other guys and he always felt he was just kind of along for the ride. He would always be grateful to Mark, of course, always thankful for all the opportunities and experiences Mark has given him. It’s hard to remember that when they’re apart though.

When they film together, Ethan feels confident and valuable and wanted. He feels like Mark chose him for a reason and that their channel wouldn’t be the same without him. When he makes Mark laugh, it’s like a drug. They’re equals and he’s treated as he should be, as half of the channel instead of it’s eternal guest.

When they’re apart… he feels the difference between them. The subscribers and the years and the intelligence, god, Mark makes him feel so stupid sometimes and he’s not even trying to.

He’s older now, understands a lot more than he did back then. He knows who he is now. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to make the most of the channel with Mark while they still have it.

He doesn’t say any of that out loud. Instead he says, “You know I want to say yes, man. It’s been… hard.”

“I know. And I miss you, bud.”

“Yeah, I miss you too. I miss both of you.”

“So do you feel… comfortable? Maybe you could come over on Thursday?”

“Yeah, I’ll be there.” The words spill out of him before he can think better. And then he has time to think better.

Is this the right choice? Is he putting his own selfishness over the wellbeing of other people? Is he— 

“Great, see you then!”

Mark hangs up and all the breath whooshes out of Ethan. He feels empty.

-

Ethan really didn’t expect to start crying. Not crying for real, anyway. He was actually planning on pretending to cry, maybe forcing out a couple tears for their emotional reunion, but he doesn’t even make it to the filming.

He knocks on Mark’s door and Mark ushers him in with a, “Hey man, welcome back to the land of the living.” Mark pulls him into a hug and Ethan clutches at his back and that’s it, it’s over.

He just starts crying.

They’re silent tears, just dripping steadily down his cheeks. He tries to blink them away but it doesn’t work. He feels them soaking into his mask.

“Are you crying?” Mark asks as he pulls away. Ethan almost doesn’t let go of him. God, it’s been so long since he’s hugged anyone, been this close with anyone. He feels so cold. “You don’t have to, you know. Amy’s not filming yet.”

“Y-yeah, I know.” Ethan winces as his voice cracks. He tugs his mask down and wipes at his face. “It’s, um… I’m not trying to. M’not staring or anything.”

“Oh. I thought you were faking.” Mark’s voice softens. “I’m sorry, man. How… how are you?”

“Yeah, I’m doing better. It just… it still feels weird, you know? It feels like it’s been so long since I’ve been here. And just look at me, I’m doing such a shitty job social distancing, crying and shit.” He gestures to his face, trying to laugh it off. “Should probably wash my hands.”

“Eth, you don’t have to— Just wait a second.” Mark puts a hand on his arm. “We decided that we’re going to be in this boat together, remember? So I mean, not saying you shouldn’t wash your hands but don’t feel like you’re… unclean, I guess.”

“Mm,” Ethan hums, not looking up. “I think I should still…” He starts walking away before Mark can say anything else.

He goes into the bathroom and closes the door behind him. He turns the water on and just stares at himself in the mirror for a moment. He looks different. They all look different. 

He’s paler than he would usually be this time of year. His cheeks have filled in a bit without the same workout schedule. His face looks… sallow. There’s no dark circles because if anything, he’s been getting too much sleep. There’s just some quality that’s off, some kind of internal exhaustion bleeding through.

And then there’s the mask. It’s pulled down now but he still feels it, like a hand against his throat. He knows that in some cultures it’s standard attire but he’s not used to it yet. When he catches glimpses of himself in windows, it still makes him pause. He feels like he looks sick.

Ethan washes his hands and uses the towel to pat down his face. He stuffs his mask into his pocket. He feels a little steadier on his feet as he walks out of the bathroom.

-

“Do you think we’re setting a bad example?” Ethan asks as he watches Mark set up for the video in his recording room. “You know, by being together in our videos? It’s still kind of soon and we don’t live with each other. Technically, we shouldn’t be seeing each other, right?”

Mark pauses in his work as he can face Ethan. “We decided that we were going to isolate together. Stay in the same pocket of people.” Mark’s brow furrows. “It’s okay if you’re having second thoughts about it—“

“No, I just… Well, I guess I am.” Ethan shuffles his feet. His toes curl in his shoes. “Do you— Do you think people will be angry about it?”

“I doubt it.” Mark adjusts the camera, checking that they’re both in the frame. “If anything, people will probably be glad for the content.”

“But we’re not just two friends hanging out.”

“Hey—”

“Shut up, you know what I mean. We’re friends but we’re also putting out these videos for like, 3 million people. We’re technically making a profit off of this, off of being together. And they’re all gonna see us together and what if we’re just making the problem worse? What if they go out because we’re out? I just… I…” Ethan buries his face in his hands. His breaths don’t shudder. “I can’t believe this happened this year. I can’t believe this happened. I can’t believe this is the world we’re living in right now.”

“I know. I know.” Through his fingers, Ethan watches Mark nod, then look at the ground and say almost to himself, “Kind of makes you think though, doesn’t it? We made Unus Annus with the intent to make the most of the time we have because we don’t know how much time we have left.”

Ethan scrubs at his eyes. “Yeah.”

“Yeah, but do you see the irony? We spend the first part of this channel making the most of our time. Think about how much we did. And then our time ran out, in a sense.”

“That’s so fucked up though. This is so fucked. People are dying.” The words don’t come out angry. Ethan wasn’t trying to make them angry. He’s too tired. He feels so… drained.

“I know. I’m not saying we should be stupid about it. And we certainly shouldn’t be encouraging anyone else to be stupid about isolating either. Just… food for thought, I guess.” Mark presses the record button and claps. “Okay, so first we’re going to—”

Ethan reaches up and stops the recording.

“Mark, please— please just don’t be mad, okay?” Ethan can already feel the tears starting to well up in his eyes, _fuck._ They’ve been so close to the surface recently. “I just, um… I’m just not sure I can do this right now. And I know that’s why I came over here. That’s why we fucking broke social distancing. But I— I just don’t want to cry on camera while there’s— there’s so many people dying and I don’t think I can— fuck.” He sniffles and tugs up the collar of his shirt to wipe at his face. His words waver as he starts to lose it again. “Ob-Obviously I can’t keep it together.”

He feels Mark’s hand on his shoulder and it’s both too much and not enough. He shrugs it off.

“Do you need a minute?” Mark asks.

“I don’t need a minute. It— It won’t be a minute.” Ethan tries to collect himself, he really does. There’s an ache beneath his sternum, so painful and deep that it burns. “I’m sorry. I— I shouldn’t have come at all if I couldn’t film.”

“Do you… Do you need to go home?” Mark’s gaze is gentle, imploring, but he doesn’t understand.

“No, I— I don’t— please don’t—” The words tumble out of Ethan without him meaning them to. “I miss you so much it makes my chest hurt. And I just… I don’t know how to reach you without seeing you.”

“I’m right here,” Mark insists.

“Mark.” Ethan’s hands clasp at his own elbows as he pulls himself together, tighter, tighter. “I don’t think we’re like each other.”

“Well, we’re different people—”

“I know but what I need to keep going is different than what you need. I need the people I love in my life and I need to really see people and I need to say things to people face to face. I can’t connect to people like this. Not really. I just don’t know how.” Ethan looks down. “I see you talking with your friends and making videos with them and I just don’t know how you don’t see their faces and— and keep them close.” He imagines the disappointment, the disdain, radiating off Mark in waves.

He goes stiff as Mark brings him into a loose hug. “You don’t have to be what other people are. You don’t have to be like me. I can’t really understand what you’re going through exactly, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true.”

“I wish I wasn’t like this though. I wish I could just… reach out.” Ethan feels Mark hum as he leans against his chest. “I’m sorry,” he says again, letting out a slow exhale.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

“I am sorry though. I know we have to film some videos.” Ethan pulls away. Mark’s fingertips drag down Ethan’s arm as he lets go. 

“They can wait.”

“Should I go?” Ethan asks even though he doesn’t want to hear the answer.

“Do you want to?”

Ethan’s voice shrinks. “No. But I don’t think I can—”

“It’s okay. I know. Every time we hang out doesn’t have to be a video, you know. We’re still friends.”

“Are we?”

Mark’s expression is pained, just shy of devastated. Ethan has never seen him look like that before. “Of course we are.”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Ethan interjects before Mark can say anything else. “Just… not now.” Mercifully, Mark lets it go.

He trails behind Mark as he explains to Amy that they’re not filming. And then they just talk.

It’s not even about anything particularly interesting or exciting. The world is paused. Their lives are on pause. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that they’re together and that they’re with each other.

It’s short but it’s one shining moment for Ethan to look back on when he goes home. It’s something to look forward to again. It’s the bit of hope he needs to keep going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> <3


	2. Chapter 2

00:00:00:00


End file.
